Thursday, March 15, 2012

Unable to Pray


I walked carefully up the staircase lined with seated people. Bibles open, eyes closed, heads bowed. Each one pleading for a miracle. Yet making a painful choice of the will to surrender their deep desire for God to spare her life, to the mysteries of the One who gave her life.
In a matter of moments, the still, quiet corridor turned Doorway to Divinity, emphatic choruses flooding the Entrance.
Gutsy petitions boldly approaching the Throne of Grace.
Desperate souls running to the Mercy Seat, begging for her healing.
That afternoon, every inch of their home was an open invitation to prayer. {If I’m not mistaken, it’s the same southern home that still adorns Bible verses on the sheetrock and 2x4s in her handwriting.}

When I reached the upstairs, I began my time in her boy’s room. A sobering place to pray when you’re also a mom of a little boy right around his age. A moment when the challenges of life as a mom instantaneously became pale; invisible, really. And so my prayers joined alongside of hers to plead for the well-being of his tender heart and mind, come what may.

I then walked into their girl’s room, and sat on her dainty chair. And suddenly, I was a little girl, too. Crawling up, saddened, into my Father’s lap. All my uncertainties, all my fears, all in plain view. Feebly lifting my head to whisper a prayer into His ear, asking Him to cover this girl’s sweet soul in His strong grace.

After some time in her room, I came to the guest bedroom, my friend’s mom’s room at the time. Her mom was staying with their family to lighten the load, to walk by her daughter’s side during this cruel invasion of disease. And so I kneeled by her bed and prayed for her. For extra measures of Strength, and Grace, and Comfort. And for my friend's dad. And also her brother.

Then, I stepped into my friend and her husband’s bedroom . . .
At the time, I knew my friend’s husband was faithfully loving her through the extra mile of her disease. But it wasn’t until a couple years after this event when I watched my own husband carry the weight of the world on his shoulders during my own health crisis that I could even begin to appreciate the kind of deep, selfless love that my friend's husband had given her. And let me be clear: Our journey is of no comparison whatsoever to theirs. But it sure did open my eyes.
I sat down on the floor, leaned my back against the bed, and tried to pray.
And that’s when my wrestling began.

Given the gravity of my friend’s affliction, I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even know where to begin. I just knew that I was in deep anguish for her and her precious family. So I wanted my prayers to somehow carry a weight comparable to the massive weight of their circumstance. I desperately needed my prayers to be effective . . .

As I sat there on the floor wrestling through this with the Lord, He whispered to me.

Stop trying . . .
That wasn’t the first time He had offered those two words to me that weekend. Nor the first time I felt plagued by inadequacy. I longed to reach down to the core of my friend’s being and love on her in ways that would deeply minister to the depths of her beautiful soul. But I felt so very inadequate for the opportunity.
I heard those two words, and I stopped.
I stopped agonizing over my words.
I stopped trying to pray.

But that stopping, it only happened because of God’s mercy to me and His power. Because once I start trying hard to do something, it is incredibly difficult for me to NOT try. Usually feels near impossible.

Shortly thereafter, my Father began to lead me by the hand to pray. I don’t even remember what I prayed. But I remember that it was effortless.
Because it was all from Him, not from me.

That sacred afternoon in my friends’ home, God revealed to me that it’s not compelling words that make prayer effective and powerful. It’s the power of the Holy Spirit living and breathing through me, as I cry out to the Father with honest and desperate pleas.

God also reminded me that He is the only One who can reach into the depths of a soul and impact it in ways that human lives never can.
He is God. I am not.

Yes, He will sometimes choose to use me in the life of another. But my part is simply to make myself available. The rest is up to Him.

Just like I needed Jesus to save me from the power of my sin, so I also need Him daily to be my Power in living out this life.
Including when I pray.

“Jesus responds not to the eloquence of our prayers, but to our pain . . .
Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the One who hears it and not the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference."

– Max Lucado (He Still Moves Stones)


~ ~ ~


This piece was written in loving memory of my precious friend and sister in Christ, Tara. I am so grateful for the numerous ways that God worked powerfully through her life, and her testimony, to impact my life. And countless others'. It was a privilege to be called her friend.

Thank you to her closest loved ones who gave me the gift of their blessing to share how God continues to use her life, and her passing from this life to the next, to impact my own life.

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Image courtesy of Travis Silva

13 comments:

  1. "God revealed to me that it’s not compelling words that make prayer effective and powerful. It’s the power of the Holy Spirit living and breathing through me, as I cry out to the Father with honest and desperate pleas." Beautiful. Just Beautiful.

    Thank you for visiting me today.

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    1. thanks for the encouragement, crissy. i'm so grateful for how patient God is with me as He gently teaches me {again & again} the exact same lesson -- in every nook & cranny of my being.

      thank YOU for stopping by, too! i enjoyed your post yesterday. and oh MY, you about had me in tears just now after having read the letter from that precious mom. talk about crying out to Him with honest & desperate pleas . . . wow . . . what a gift she just gave the world with her transparency. if she is a friend of yours, please tell her thank you for me.

      have a great weekend, crissy,
      tanya

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  2. What a beautiful story. I could almost feel it. (visiting from Joy's today)

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    1. what a treat to have you stop by, genevieve! thanks for the encouraging words. and thanks AGAIN for your powerful post yesterday . . .

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  3. Oh wow. I am sorry that you lost your friend. But God did do something powerful here in this story. Thank you for sharing it!

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    1. thanks, jamie. her life shined so very brightly for Jesus, but now she's forever free in His loving arms. and yes, He taught me MUCH through her life. this story is one of many. it was such an honor to be a part of her beautiful life.

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  4. SO ENCOURAGING. MY SON, IS IN THE NICU, AND THE PAIN I FEEL CANNOT BE EXPRESSED IN WORDS - AM UNABLE TO PRAY, OR READ THE BIBLE...ITS LIKE MY MIND HAS STOPPED THINKING....BUT THERE IS ONE THING THAT I AM DOING - CRYING LIKE A BABY IN FRONT OF MY ABBA. AND IF AT ALL, I AM HAVING THE STRENGTH FOR EVERY DAY, ITS BECAUSE I KNOW, THAT HE FEELS MY PAIN. REQUESTING ALL YOUR PRAYERS FOR BABY EMMANUEL - A 26 WEEKER. THE LORD IS DOING GREAT THINGS, AND WE ARE SEEING THAT! GLORY TO GOD!

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    1. my dearest vineetha,

      i am so very sorry to hear about your precious emmanuel. i cannot even begin to imagine the pain that your mama heart is experiencing right now as you behold his fragile frame. i am so grateful that you are embracing the freedom to take your own fragile soul to our Abba, & to know that when we are unable to pray, Jesus remains at the right hand of our Father advocating for our every need. and personally, i think your tears ARE your prayers right now -- and the Lord understands every one intricately even if you don't. and He is collecting them with His very own hand, where your name is lovingly etched.

      what a testimony to God's incomprehensible power for you to be able to conclude your sentiments by saying that He is doing great things, & that you can even *see* that. i am so, so challenged by you, vineetha. glory to God, indeed.

      i am praying for you and your precious emmanuel, & i have just shared this with our truth in weakness community on FB asking those 269 folks to be praying as well. when you're able to, i'd enjoy an update on how he's doing. but for now, you just keep your focus on your energy on that precious baby & don't worry about updating this blogger!

      blessings to you, vineetha, and thank you for the sacred gift of sharing your pain with us, dear one,
      tanya

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  5. Praise be to God who gives us strength to do all things. I also thought that when I pray I must have many words but today I know that it is the depth of the heart that makes all the difference. Thank you for sharing this article.

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    1. i'm grateful that He spoke to you through this piece, mxolisi. it's a transforming truth that i need to remind myself of again, & again, & again.

      glad you stopped by.

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  6. Dear Tanya,

    Thank You for the encouraging and inspiring words you shared. God has led me to your blog to remind me the truth in my weakness is that God is my strength.

    I have been unable to pray for sometime now and my fiance has been encouraging me to bring it back. He has been my prayer partner and has asked me to pray as we normally do but I was unable to utter any words and I just burst into tears. Thank you for reminding me that every tear shed is a prayer that God counts. The heaviness in my heart for the pain, the guilt and the shame I've caused cannot be contained in any words and now I am comforted that my every tear counts to the Father who listens.

    Thank you for being the instrument of God's comfort. God bless your beautiful soul, your family and your ministry.

    "God revealed to me that it’s not compelling words that make prayer effective and powerful. It’s the power of the Holy Spirit living and breathing through me, as I cry out to the Father with honest and desperate pleas.

    God also reminded me that He is the only One who can reach into the depths of a soul and impact it in ways that human lives never can.
    He is God. I am not.

    Yes, He will sometimes choose to use me in the life of another. But my part is simply to make myself available. The rest is up to Him.

    Just like I needed Jesus to save me from the power of my sin, so I also need Him daily to be my Power in living out this life.
    Including when I pray."

    These words comforted me and reminded me that God is faithful and that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

    Sister in Christ,
    Ruth

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    1. oh, sweetest ruth,

      it's been almost a year since you graced this blog with your vulnerable presence, and for my delay, i am sorry. my heart has been heavy for yours and i wonder what journeys life has taken you on since your honest visit.

      that place of being unable to pray is a painful one, and i hope you know you're not alone. do you? as you shared, it sadly gets compounded by guilt and shame and so many other feelings that take our eyes off the reality that it is finished.

      i came across this quote at some point since your visit, & i immediately thought of you:

      "Remember, therefore, it is not your hold of Christ that saves you —
      it is Christ;
      it is not your joy in Christ that saves you —
      it is Christ;
      it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument —
      it is Christ’s blood and merits;

      therefore, look not so much to your hand with which you are grasping Christ,
      as to Christ;
      look not to your hope,
      but to Jesus, the source of your hope;
      look not to your faith,
      but to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith.

      We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings;
      it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul."
      ~ Charles Spurgeon

      ruth, you are loved, accepted, and rejoiced over with singing, beautiful child of God. and i thank God for the gift of your life.

      with love and thanksgiving,
      tanya

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